What is forgiveness? The dictionary defines forgiveness as the act of ceasing to feel angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw or mistake. That's easy to understand intellectually. But putting it into practice? That's where many of us struggle.
For years, I thought I was very forgiving. I had what I now recognize as a childlike perspective and blind faith in people. I was naive about people's behavior, assuming everyone was innately good and didn't intentionally harm others for their own benefit. When someone who hurt me was later kind, I'd write off their harmful behavior as a momentary lapse.
I have a running joke with a friend: I see the light in someone first, then the dark. She sees the dark first, then the light. We all have light and shadow, but acknowledging our shadow side is part of the inner work. It took me a long time to see people in their entirety because I grasped so tightly to their light.
What I realized is that I hadn't done the true work of forgiveness. I could intellectualize that someone's behavior wasn't about me. I could sense the person's pain, trauma and insecurities empathically. I could spot the "why" behind behavior easily and have compassion for their struggles. But my heart? My heart still blamed me. And that is an inside job.
How I Understand Forgiveness
Forgiveness means: Letting go of the anger and resentment that weighs you down.
Forgiveness doesn't mean: Excusing what happened or pretending it was okay.
Forgiveness is: A conscious choice to free yourself from carrying someone else's actions.
We resist because we believe forgiving means condoning bad behavior. Or we hold onto anger out of righteous indignation. Sometimes, a grievance feels simply too awful to forgive at all.
However, I've observed that the one who suffers most when we don't forgive is ourselves. As Louise L. Hay beautifully expressed: "Forgiveness is for yourself because it frees you. It lets you out of that prison you put yourself in."
Why Forgiveness Is Really About You
The truth is simple: when you don't forgive, you're the one who suffers. The person who hurt you? They're going about their day, not giving it a second thought. But you carry their actions in your body every single day.
I see this with clients all the time. The anger and resentment literally live in their bodies as physical sensations. Tight shoulders, clenched jaw, that knot in your stomach that won't go away. These aren't just feelings. They're energy blocks that cloud your spiritual senses and keep you from understanding them clearly.
When you're holding onto resentment, you feel it:
- You replay the hurt over and over.
- New relationships feel harder to trust.
- Your body feels tense and tired.
- Joy feels just out of reach.
Without forgiveness, there's no future. — Desmond Tutu
Through my work, I've developed this perspective: You may not be able to forgive someone for what they did, but you might find it easier to forgive when you understand why they did it.
Understanding Why Doesn't Excuse What
My ability to see and feel people's pain, trauma, sadness and insecurities allows me to spot the "why" behind behavior easily. For too long, I automatically justified bad behavior due to trauma or fear. I would have immediate compassion for their struggles, but I've learned something crucial: bad behavior is bad behavior, regardless of why. Our behaviors ultimately define us, not our intentions or our wounds. Bad behavior deserves accountability and accountability requires boundaries.
One benefit of seeking to understand the why is realizing their behavior isn't about you; it's about them and their perception of themselves. You are simply the mirror. But here's where the real work begins: I could intellectualize that it wasn't about me. But my heart didn't. My heart still blamed me.
I believe seeking the "why" can unlock compassion and begin the healing process. The process shows that forgiveness means releasing our suffering over difficult situations, not excusing the behavior.
A Common Forgiveness Scenario
Imagine a friend betrays your trust, sharing something deeply personal you told her in confidence. Now others know your private business and the hurt runs deep.
When this happens, our first instinct is to focus on the betrayal itself. But I've learned to ask a different question: Why would my friend do this? Not to excuse it, but to understand it.
Maybe she genuinely thought you needed more help than she could provide and reached out to others in a misguided attempt to help. Maybe her own insecurity made her need to feel important by sharing your secret. Or maybe she's unconsciously repeating what was done to her, passing on the violation because it's all she knows.
Her betrayal has nothing to do with your worth or your friendship. It's her trauma playing out; you're just the person standing closest when her pain needed somewhere to go.
It doesn't mean:
- You condone what she did.
- You must continue the relationship.
- You can't set boundaries.
It does mean:
- You can release the anger that's hurting you.
- You can move forward with your life.
- You gain freedom from the situation.
The Harder Truth: Forgiving Yourself
For me, the biggest obstacle to forgiveness has always been forgiving myself, either for actions that contributed to the situation or, more commonly, for actions that allowed the harmful behavior to happen and possibly continue.
As you work to understand another's behavior, it is imperative to explore your own behavior in that situation as well. You must understand your why and forgive that. What were you seeking? What need were you trying to meet? What fear were you avoiding?
Forgiveness requires deep work. Do whatever additional healing is needed. That might be therapy, healing modalities or energy work. You cannot truly forgive another if you have not forgiven yourself. And once you do that work, you become more able to see that bad behavior is bad behavior, use discernment about future engagement with that person and set boundaries as needed.
I spent years forgiving others while secretly carrying self-blame. I'd forgive their wounds while punishing myself for being "naive enough" to trust, "weak enough" to stay or "blind enough" not to see. This self-punishment is the hidden weight many empaths and sensitive people carry.
Forgive yourself for your faults and your mistakes and move on. — Les Brown
The 5-Step Forgiveness Practice
Step 1: Feel It First
Write it all out in a letter. Express the rage, the hurt and the betrayal. Don't censor yourself. Permit yourself to feel angry. Express it safely. Whether you burn it, bury it or tear it to pieces doesn't matter. What matters is letting it go.
Step 2: Mirror Work
While seeking to understand why someone hurt you, you must equally explore:
- Why did I allow this behavior?
- Why do I need this person or to be in this situation?
- What fear kept me from setting boundaries?
- What part of me believed I deserved this treatment?
It is not about victim-blaming, it's about reclaiming your power. When you understand your own patterns, you can heal them and prevent future repetition.
Step 3: Understand Their Why
Put your hand on your heart. Breathe. Now ask: "What wound in them created this action?" For me, the answer usually comes as a sensation. Maybe warmth when I hit on the truth. A tightness that tells me they're afraid. Sometimes, there is a heaviness that feels like their shame.
Not everyone works this way. Some of my clients say, "Julie, I don't feel anything." That's fine. Use what you know about them instead. Their history. Their patterns. Ask yourself what would make you act that way if you were carrying their baggage.
Now here's the important part: Ask yourself what freedom would feel like. Really feel it or picture it. Just get clear on where you're going. Because that feeling? That's your North Star.
Step 4: The Intuitive Release Ritual
- Light a candle to represent bringing Source light into the situation.
- Write what you're forgiving on paper.
- Hold the paper at your solar plexus (where emotions are held).
- Say: "I release this emotion from my power center. I choose to operate from my Higher Self."
- As you burn the paper safely, visualize the dense energy leaving your body.
- Feel your chakras opening and your intuitive channels clearing.
Step 5: Make Your Choice
Now you choose. Do you want to be right or do you want to be free? Ultimately, forgiveness is a decision, but it must include both dimensions:
- Forgive them for acting from their wounds.
- Forgive yourself for whatever role you played.
When Forgiveness Feels Impossible
Sometimes the hardest part isn't forgiving them, it's forgiving yourself for "letting it happen." For highly sensitive people, this is especially true. Empaths who can feel others' pain so deeply that we excuse harmful behavior.
Here's what I want you to remember: You did the best you could with what you knew at that moment. You made decisions based on the information, emotions and understanding you had at the time. You couldn't have known what you know now. That's not weakness; that's being human.
And in cases of severe harm or abuse, this distinction becomes even more important. Forgiveness never means you have to maintain contact with someone who hurt you, minimize or deny what happened or put yourself at risk again.
Sometimes, forgiveness might simply mean choosing to focus on your own healing, releasing the hold that the situation has on your present and deciding to no longer give energy to that person or situation.
I think forgiveness is probably one of the greatest forms of self-love there is because you don't do forgiveness for anybody else. My captors will never care if I forgive them. It will not make a day of difference to them at all, but it will make a huge difference to me. — Elizabeth Smart
What Happens When You Finally Forgive
Understanding the connection between forgiveness and intuition is essential. As I teach in Tangible Intuition, our intuition speaks to us through physical sensations in our body, what I call our Higher Self communicating through our chakras and energy centers.
When we carry resentment and hold onto anger, we create energetic blocks that interfere with our ability to sense clearly. The dense energy of anger and fear literally clouds your intuitive channels. Your solar plexus becomes constricted with held emotions. Your heart chakra becomes closed or pressurized. Your entire energy field becomes heavy, blocking the subtle signals of intuition.
When forgiveness clears your energy, you release the dense energy that was clouding your intuitive channels. Your heart center opens, allowing you to access that deep knowing. Your solar plexus returns to its natural state as your power center. You can hear your Higher Self more clearly because you're not drowning it out with anger.
Forgiveness Is a Practice, Not Perfection
Forgiveness isn't always a one-time event; it's often a practice, a choice we make repeatedly. Some days will be easier than others; that's completely normal. Just as developing your intuition is a process of learning to trust your body's signals, forgiveness is a process of releasing what no longer serves you.
What I know to be true:
- Forgiveness raises your energetic frequency by releasing negative emotions.
- Understanding the "why" opens your heart chakra to compassion.
- Self-forgiveness clears blocks in your sacral chakra.
- Boundaries can coexist with forgiveness; your intuition will guide you.
- When you forgive, you free your energy to create the life you want.
Forgiveness is freeing yourself from the weight that you were not meant to carry. Their actions came from their wounds. Your trust came from your light. Neither makes you wrong or weak. You saw their potential because that's who you are: someone who sees light even in darkness.
The deepest forgiveness isn't just releasing them. It's releasing the part of you that whispers, "I should have known better." You couldn't have. You were being exactly who you are. Someone capable of trust, hope and seeing the good in others. That's not naive. That's brave.
Remember: Every moment spent in resentment is a moment that could be spent in peace. You deserve that freedom.
With clarity and insight,
Julie
Julie Farha
Intuitive personal coach, author of Tangible Intuition, and creator of Soul Specialties. Read Julie's story